A Bit of Awkwardness

I thank the world for the shelter of computers daily.  I can literally hide behind them and express myself without seeming like a complete fool.  For example, throughout middle-school and high-school…I.was.awkward!!  I was that kid that could not stand in front of the class and give a presentation, talk, or speak about ANYTHING.  I would get up, get in front of the class, and then this horrible, uncontrollable shaking, violent laughing/crying would start.  My face would turn unnatural shades of red.  Tears would start pouring out my eyes.  I would need to return to my desk and hide beneath my arms and hair.  It would take a while to maintain composure.  Awkward?  YES!  I am sure it was awkward for the whole damn class.  The other students were probably thinking, what. the. fuck. is wrong with this girl??  Luckily, they were fairly forgiving, though I am sure they dreaded when it was my turn to get up in front, maybe not, maybe I provided some sort of sick amusement for them.  None of them really gave me a hard time about it though, I think they were kind of afraid of me, like, shit.  We better be nice to that girl, or else, she is going to have another spaz attack and just. fucking. lose. it.  Really, it was just bad, really bad, anxiety.  I promise!  Thank goodness I take pills for that now, yeah for medications.  But we had this ridiculous Spanish teacher, Ms. Tempone, she really asked my friend if I was on drugs??  Really, maybe she should have offered me some.  I think I got kicked out of her class more than any other for laughing.  Awkward.  But, do not worry, that awkwardness is still with me.  I have just learned to embrace it, make it this unique side-kick that everyone wants, but can never obtain.  They would have to have years of patience working towards and with it.  Developing skills on how to make it able to be lived with, not exactly okay by society’s standards, but…society, makes people awkward.  For example, I recently pierced both my arms (about 20 piercings total) now to the fellow body piercers, tattoo lover; this is totally acceptable, perhaps even bitchin.  Now, to the rest of society, I get looks, like I am a freak of nature, like I am about to pull out a gun and demand 50 cents.  No, no I would only use a gun if I needed a dollar people (see not normal, and kinda awkward reading right???) You aren’t sure whether you should laugh or report me…well, relax, IT’S A JOKE!!  Seriously, please do not report me.  I was just kidding, but I say things like this ALL THE TIME.  I get THAT look.  I cross some sort of social boundary that I never knew even existed.  Once you cross that, how do you go back, can you?  Then, after you cross it, it just gets more awkward from there, it seems to spiral down into this abyss of awkwardness.  Stumbling, saying one thing after another that doesn’t make sense.  The cashier and I could be talking about the weather, then I could for no reason, except for social-awkwardness start rambling about the diseases you could catch working as a cashier.  Then, needless to say, I would get a strange look, if lucky enough a strange comment.  Then out of politeness, I would try to make up for my uncanning awkwardness and words will spill forth like vomit how I am sure she doesn’t have a disease or anything like that, but she should be careful, but maybe the next cashier over does, they shouldn’t share lunch or anything.  As a matter of fact, just don’t stand too close to her.  Then, to make things more awkward, my laughter starts coming out, and I am trying my hardest to keep it in, oh. damn. it’s just not working.  Now, the lady thinks I’m fucking with her.  SIGH.

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